We have gone through enough angst and depression to last us a lifetime. Locked and unlocked like lab rats, we succumbed to stupid and convinced ourselves that ‘so this shall pass”. Yet here we are 18 months into an alleged pandemic that robbed us of quasi two years which we will never get back. Those of us old enough to remember the Korean War and young enough to be pissed, have suddenly realized that time is running out and we can’t afford to miss one more day in social distancing and looking like surgeons in a MASH unit. We want to take our beef to a higher source.
A conversation with my BFF brought up the subject of G-d and the possibility and probability that looking down at His world, He might not be amused. I decided to have a conversation with G-d. The omnipotent, the sage, the Alpha and Omega. Created in His image, I wanted to sit with G-d leisurely imbibing on a good single malt and smoking a hand rolled Cuban, while discussing the world’s state of affairs: almost like equals. What can we possibly talk about? What words of wisdom would G-d impart? How can I pick His brain? What does He think of cancel culture? Politics? Religion? Feminism? I wanted to find out what makes Him tick. Get the scoop. Engage and divulge. Take it to the masses. What questions would raise ratings? What secrets of the universe would He want to share? Preparing questions for the Almighty is not an easy task. How does one address the creator of the visible and invisible? The gift of the gab and the pen outweighs doubt. Without further delay, my interview with G-d.
Me: What should I call you? Your Excellency, your Highness, Eminence, Almighty?
G-d: Cut the crap and call me G-d.
Me: What made you decide to sit for this interview?
G-d: Marketing, marketing, marketing.
Me: How and why did you create the universe? Were you bored? Was it a bad hair day?
G-d: Let’s get one thing straight: there was no big bang. It was more of a small thump. That was the easy part. Details came later. I was on a time crunch. Six days. No unions in them days. But I finished on time, and the rest is history as they say. Which is why I get royally pissed listening to pinheads and their Big Bang theories. Like they knew what they were talking about. The ‘why”, now that’s another story. Omnipotence is overrated. Between discussions with “the family” and my eventual boredom, I came up with a scathingly brilliant idea. Create something from scratch. Something to mold and shape. Something that would last millennia. Something that would reflect who I was and what I am. Boy did I screw up!
Me: What do you mean by screwing up?
G-d: Well, it started fine with the planets, stars, and galaxies. Then I decided to go a step further and throw in people on one particular planet, earth. The first few months went great. I created this strong virile man, a cross between Steve McQueen and Sean Connery. Later I decided to give him a partner and decided on a female. She was also a looker. Both started up great. Then I decided to test them. Just for fun. They failed miserably and drove me nuts with their whining. That’s when I knew that I had screwed up and had to come up with a plan B. Cut them loose.
Me: Moving along through the millennia, what do you consider your successes and your failures?
G-d (scratching beard): Nothing beats the beauty of the mountains, the seas, trees, and animals. In the beginning I thought that creating humans was a success, until they drank the Kool-Aid and ran amok quickly ruining what I had built. Pissed me off. I tried to teach them hard love lessons. But that didn’t help. I sent floods, plagues, wars, and disasters. Nothing seemed to work. So my greatest success became my worst nightmare and failure. I gave humans free will, and they managed to screw that one up too. It is painful.
Me: There have been some bad people on earth: why did you create them?
G-d: I didn’t create them bad. They were dumb enough to turn bad, and those who enabled them to be bad were even dumber. I can’t stop stupid.
Me: What do you think was human’s greatest achievement?
G-d: Technology. It is amazing how that small brain that I slipped in just for kicks created micro chips the size of an ant. I thought ants were amazing, unassuming but in droves can eat through a house. But computers can compute almost as fast as I can. The downside is a generation of morons who have completely forgotten how to use their brain. A double-edged sword. I should have given manuals with creation. My bad.
Me: What do you think of the new “woke” generation?
G-d: It’s brain dead. What exactly are they waking up from? The past is the past. Get over yourselves and move on. If I had to hold a grudge the ten plagues would seem like child’s play. Learn from your stupidity and stop making excuses for being imbeciles. Cretins disguised as intellectuals. Ugh.
Me: Do you have “cancel culture” in heaven?
G-d: Of sorts. It is a logistic nightmare. But we play along. The Catholics think that they are the only ones up here, so we humor them and give them the west wing to themselves. I love their look of surprise when they recognize a parish priest or a pope or two downstairs in the Damned Department. The Protestants try to outdo each other in preaching and singing. However, we do have a great Gospel choir. My Chosen People are closest to me. I love those wonderful discussions with the rabbis. The Muslims keep to themselves most of the time but we do catch them muttering “Where are the virgins?” Buddhists and Hindus are easy going and great to have around. They ease the angst and keep the peace.
Me: Did you create Religion?
G-d: I gave humans faith. The faith to believe in me because I created them. Having said that, I get annoyed at every Tom, Dick, and Harry speaking “in my name”. I did not create exclusive groups. That’s not my style. I find some groups more annoying than others. Hatred, war, killing, in my name drives me crazy. I don’t need fighting in my name. I need love in my name. Get over yourselves already.
Me: Are you an anti-feminist?
G-d: Whatever gave you that idea? I created Eve looking like Ursula Andress. Unfortunately, I gave women so much power over procreation that they have been left holding the bag so to speak. They give birth, raise kids, keep order at home, go out to work, and take on most of life’s worries. I never said that women should be marginalized. I regret not giving men the ability to lay eggs or go through menopause. They might have turned out better than they are. For the record: it was never my intention to treat women like second-class citizens. It was men’s. Wish someone would tell the Pope that.
Me: Do you have a pet peeve?
G-d: Several. I despise preachers in white suits and limos preaching poverty. They do not quote me, they are self employed. I dislike violent activists pretending to be just. They are false prophets and opportunists. They have also become a pain in the ass. The entitled. Stop whining about what you don’t have and thank Me for what you have. I gave you a brain and will power to do whatever you want to do. Stop wanting other people’s stuff and get your own.
Me: What do you think about politicians?
G-d: I don’t. If I had to I would need an enema every day. I’m still trying to remember what I used to kill off the dinosaurs. It might work on lawyers and politicians.
Me: Why do you allow disease, death, poverty, and pain?
G-d: Why do you allow stupid? I gave everyone free will. What else do you want? The door was opened to all of the above when Adam and Eve, remember them, decided to be pinheads. They had a good thing going but they blew it. So, blame them and leave me out of it. Pain comes with life. Everyone wants everything for nothing. There is no such thing as a free lunch. I never promised eternal life, that was blown away in the Garden of Eden. Poverty has nothing to do with me. It is a human affliction. I provide all the resources, what you do with them is up to you. Don’t bitch at me. Sometimes I wish I created a Union.
Me: Is there any great advice you wish to give humanity?
G-d: Use your brains. Quit making excuses for morons. Quit thrashing the planet. I gave it to you clean. The least you can do is keep it that way. Quit killing each other in my name. I don’t need that. Quit raising imbeciles. Parenting does not need a degree. You created the brats, the least you can do is raise them. Politicians do not represent me. Lying and cheating is in their job description not mine. Killing babies out of convenience is not good sport. I hate to break it to you, but life does start at conception. If you have no problem believing that the universe was suddenly created out of a spark or a glob of goo, you should have the intelligence to realize that life in the womb starts the same way. It’s a no-brainer. Treat each other with respect. Stop trying to improve on what I have given you. It was perfect to start with. And yes, there is a Santa Claus.
Me: Thank you G-d.
G-d: My pleasure. Leave the whisky and cigars.