Why can’t we all look like Cher at 60?

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies was delivered by Dianne Keaton to Goldie Hawn in The First Wives Club. Botoxed Goldie is discussing her “touching up” to Dianne and Bette Midler, when Dianne indignantly tells Goldie that she had been sown and tucked like a quilt. Ironically enough, in that movie Goldie was still in her late 40’s, and now she is way into her 60’s. I am not privy to any information on Goldie Hawn’s enhancements if any, but even Stevie Wonder can see that Cher is a full sized quilt! There are those who entertain the notion that exercise gives Cher her state-of-the art stomach. Pass the Kool Aid.

Why can’t I have a Cher stomach, or cheek bones, or breasts? I’m her age, I exercise, I watch what I eat, yet my stomach has a daily tug-of-war with my pants because it insists of rolling out of my waist band. My cheek bones; come to think of it, where would I find them? Let us not get into the breasts, too depressing. Gravity is not pleasant and no matter how much padding I put in my bras I still think that my breasts have the same rebellious state of mind as my stomach. They want to bond with my waistband.

Our bodies are biological; they grow and evolve. So those of us who at 60 plus would like to look the same as we did as teenagers need to wisen up. Growth means expanding. My body understands that and I try to understand it as well. I might not like it but definitely understand it. Which brings me to the cosmic question: why do some remain skinny at any age, and others like me put on 5 pounds just by walking past a bakery or breath the same air as a lava cake? The mystery unfolds itself at middle-age, when our bodies literally start unfolding layers of  skin like an old basset hound. So, if 60 is the “new 40” than would we be going through menopause at 70? Would granma or granpa hit a mid-life crisis at 80?

I do not begrudge Cher for her tucking and sewing. She has the money and bully for her. But can Cher and others be truthful and admit that they are glorified turkeys? Can’t they go to a support group for Enhancement Anonymous and have the guts (oy!) to say: Hi I’m Cher and I’m an enhancee!!! That would give hope to the rest of us who must confront our mirrors every morning and check for new folds in places better left unspoken about.

Betty White is 91 years old and a fabulous woman who gives hope to the rest of us that growing older is not necessarily growing old. In an episode of Hot in Cleveland, her character  told a young plastic surgeon that she did not want her wrinkles removed because she earned them. Thank you Betty…haven’t we all?

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